I was hanging out with some fellow moms who got on the topic of their children’s latest fears: pink ghosts, monsters under the bed, etc. The weird thing is that there were six moms, and no one could remember being afraid of things like that. This completely shocked me, since I remember (in great detail) being afraid of lots of completely irrational things. So, I thought I’d record some of my insane delusions I had growing up, to help us all relate to our hallucinatory children a little easier.
Of course there was a monster under my bed. Forget that there was a trundle bed taking up all the space down there, I think I leapt into bed avoiding any close calls up until middle school. And of course I was afraid of shadows, especially this pointy nosed, trench coat wearing figure that would pop up every so often. Shadows were only really a problem during the Christmas season with candles in the window that would cast figures all over the room. But who doesn’t associate Christmas with ghosts? Thanks a lot Charles Dickens.
The toilet. It was the worst. When it was flushed, it was so loud that something was bound to come back up after the unmentionables went down. But for some reason, I didn’t think a monster or even a snake or crocodile would come up. My fear was that it would fill up and over flow with tiny little people. And these weren’t just any people. They were Sharons! Bad Sharons. So, after I was done doing what I had come there to do. I would position myself as close to the sink as possible, reach as far as I could to flush, then quickly jump up on my footstool to wash my hands. But the stool wasn’t much protection from the Sharons because they were all armed with tiny little mining picks, with overalls and miner’s hats to match. I didn’t know why, but they were so determined to bring down my (foot)stool and attack me that, let’s just say I got really good at washing my hands really fast. And if there are older siblings reading that were weary of reminding me to flush the toilet when I was door knob height, now they know why.
The witch: At some point I think Lynne told me that a witch lived in our basement with skeletons hanging all around. It wasn’t that surprising because our basement was unfinished and looked a lot like a dungeon. Take the old paint cans, bikes, and food storage out, and you’d have yourself a regular medieval torture chamber. This was problematic because the door to the basement was inside the downstairs bathroom. So if the upstairs bathroom was occupied, you were left all alone to face the witch, should she choose to venture up from her dungeon. Not only this, but you weren't in the ideal position to make a quick getaway. I think I probably made sure that door was locked when nature called, for a good year or two.
As I was explaining a couple of these accounts to my friend’s amusement, it occurred to me that maybe I tried to scare myself. I remember trying to think of ghosts some nights in bed in hopes of inspiring some really cool nightmares. This could be some deranged desire that came from having to go to bed, while older siblings got to stay up and watch spookier shows.
One night when I couldn’t sleep, Lynne (from the top bunk) told me about the sleep monster. This was the trick: Pretend that at any moment the sleep monster would come by the window with his big yellow eyes and red slimy skin, and check to see who was asleep. If you were awake, you’d be eaten. BUT! ..he could be fooled, it just took closed eyes, a limp body, and some convincing deep breathing and he just might pass by. I knew he wasn’t real, but it was helpful and I guess kind of fun, to pretend that he was. In fact, sometimes when I’m having trouble getting to sleep, I just think, “pretend like I’m asleep as if my life depended on it” and it works pretty well.
So there it is. If your kids complain of monsters, or just act kind of weird around toilets, don’t worry. They could turn out as normal as I have…Bwa ahahaha.
p.s. Does anyone else have crazy memories like this…and care to share? It would make me feel a little more normal.
