This post is dedicated to my friend Gabe, who as Sharon and I say is pseudo-family. He was married recently (meaning in the last year) and disappeared for a while. He resurfaced yesterday and wrote a great blog post about how he’s been feeling lately about life and being social. His thoughts and questions resonated with me and I began to write a comment, which turned into a very long comment. Instead of publishing it in the hardly read comment section, I decided to actually vet my response and edit it a bit and give him a thoughtful blog response (to break up the family log). You may need to read his post to understand some of my comments. Another disclaimer here, you should keep in mind, while I enjoy company, I am an introvert and don’t naturally seek out the company of others.
It seems to me what Gabe experienced was the 'post marriage' void. I’m pretty sure this happens to most newlyweds, unless they are the last of their single friends to get married and they still live near their married friends. I'm not saying it is a bad thing, but after you marry your best friend, there’s not much motivation to regularly reach out to old friends. I think I really would have dropped off a ton of people’s radar, except that Sharon has this amazing ability to keep in touch with people. I think it helped that two weeks after being married we shared a house with several other single adults for 4 months in Mozambique, bless their souls. It forced us to quickly get past that awkward “don’t-know-how-to-be-around-single-people” syndrome. In addition, we learned that single friends can cope with hanging out with newlyweds. We also had the advantage of living for a year close to friends and family immediately following, but even with that we still went through reclusive moments.
I have always felt as Gabe describes; life is crazy and while I always think to get in touch with people, I never seem to have time, or honestly make the time. When I was at Carnegie Mellon, I had to force myself to be social. I seriously made 'social' goals to motivate myself to stay in touch with people and build meaningful connections with those around me. They were usually simple things like write an email. Recently I've actually had a really nagging feeling I needed to email a bunch of people again. Gabe was on that list.
Again, it helps that Sharon is such a social person and not only kept in touch with everyone we left in Utah, but also quickly made great friends in Pittsburgh. It’s been interesting with us moving every 6 months the last year or so. We have both found it much more challenging to make meaningful friends and to keep in touch with them, probably because we don’t get to know people as well, and we never really know if we will see anyone again.
I can relate to going long periods of time without speaking to my family. My family will be the first to tell you I’m horrible at keeping in touch. I hardly ever call them. They usually are the ones that end up calling me. If it weren’t for Sharon’s example and reminders I’m scared to admit how much time would go by before I would think to talk with them. Not that I don’t love them and care about what’s going on, I just don’t think to call and chat. It doesn’t feel natural. I’ve had a lot of retrospectives on why that is and I can’t really put my finger on it. I think it could have something to do with being the third of six children, my mission, and my introverted personality.
Anyway, to bring this full circle, ‘social media’ in some ways helps to solve these social conundrums. I’ll comment on the technologies he mentions, facebook, google+, and Blogs
Facebook
I was never 100% onboard with. I’ll admit it; I joined largely under the influence of a girl back in 2006 or 2007. I put it off for a long time, but I was finally convinced. Since then she and I have moved on, but I never really immersed myself in it like others I know. I've actually tried deactivating my account twice in the last year; it's always one thing or the other that makes me 'have' to sign into it again, like organizing my brother’s bachelor party. I think it will actually be awhile before I can part with it for good. It does offer a convenient solution to the long distance social problem; just drop a note on a wall or comment on a recent photo and you keep the connection alive. Sharon chats with her close friends frequently. When I do get on facebook, I’m bad, I will usually go look at friends’ walls and get an idea of what they have been up to and not say anything...the anti-social side I guess.
Google+
I don’t know if it is just my impulse to try new things, but I have actually really enjoyed google+. I feel I have had more meaningful, thoughtful, and informative interactions. The format is more supportive of composing complete thoughts and communicating easily in a diverse range of ways. Because of it, I’ve been in touch with a few friends I have been long overdue in reaching out to again. I also like that I can share thoughts to one group of people or share pictures quickly from a family trip to a different group. I also have this crazy desire to keep all my contacts in one location. I love gmail, my android phone, and G+ because it allows me to manage all my contacts from one place.
Blogging
I have heard that many bloggers are switching to google+ from their traditional blogs. My blog was never really very deep intellectually or entertaining (Ira has helped with that though) and my audience is largely family and friends who may or may not have google accounts. So I probably won’t be moving it any time soon, but I may post a link to any updates on google+.
In conclusion, I really don’t think one way of keeping in touch is better or worse, more modern or out dated than any other, I think it has more to do with personality, what you are comfortable with, and what you audience (people you communicate with or want to communicate with) regularly uses.
Well, I know this is a really long response, but since I don't live close enough to have a good face-to-face discussion and I need the practice articulating my thoughts in writing, this is what Gabe gets. I hope I have been able to add to these intriguing subjects.
For those joining the conversation, please leave a comment here or on Gabe’s original post.
2 comments:
This is the response i gave Gabe, answering some of his question. It's way long.
"Do most people feel as unable to truly manage their lives and stay on top of things, including communication, as I do?" Hmmm. Managing my life? It depends on the day. But really being a stay at home mom brings very different life managerial challenges. I don't have to worry about meeting deadlines, or taking tests, or memorizing loads of facts. The challenges could go in their own separate blogpost though. At this stage of life I have to find cool small balls to juggle while juggling the awesome 25 pound ball named Ira.
"Do they not keep in as good contact as they would like to as well with their family and friends?" For me, yours seems to be a question of quantity vs. quality. I have ALWAYS preferred the second. That's why I didn't get a cell phone until I had been married for a year, or get on facebook until I was leaving Utah. I feel like when we have easy access to everyone we have ever known, it is impossible to feel satisfied with our communications with them. So, after living the first 17 years of my life in the same house, I've lived in at least 10 apartments as a single person, and going on 9 places as a married couple. Different room-mates, different neighbors, different wards, different jobs, different states, the list goes on. And in each of these places I've met people I love and hold dear, and really I keep in touch with very very few of them. If I do, it's probably because they are the ones being pro-active. I'm just so much better at communicating in a REAL social setting: face to face. I absolutely hate the cell phone commercials where people are missing real social opportunities because they're starring at their phone.
"If so, who the heck is on facebook still?" With the above rant being said. In my life, there is a place for social media and quantitative light chats. When an 18 month old is my primary daytime social world, there are times when I just have to share thoughts with fellow adults. Facebook is the place where I can say "Ira just peed on the potty for the first time!" and get some immediate feedback. It's nice that way. And I find it a huge blessing to easily look up a former investigator, or someone I've been thinking a lot about, and drop a note.
"Another trend I've noticed is that the introspective blogging of yesterday has turned into the family newsletter." sigh... In defense of my kind of boring blog, I use to send family updates as e-mails but then got requests to add them to Ant's more thoughtful blog. I believe there's still time for introspection as a married student. But really, this may the stress/pressure peak of your life and we understand if you don't blog every single interesting thought you have. We still know you're interesting. Which brings me to another point. My best friends are the ones I can go years without a word of keeping in touch and pick up with them in person, as if I hung out with them yesterday. Is that lazy of me? I don't know. I guess I just have very low standards of keeping in touch since it's impossible to have both quantity and quality communication with everyone I love.
Nice insights Ant and Sharon. I have a few thoughts myself! I have to say my most favorite conversation is when "Facebook" comes up in a Relief Society lesson...now that is a can of worms!! :) I love to sit back, listen, and smile to myself {and laugh a little too}... peoples thoughts and use/or lack there off {or denial thereof} of social media is so interesting to me.
I will admit - Facebook is the NUMBER ONE way I get in touch with and send messages to my Young Woman. They respond IMMEDIATELY to me and I love it! I know what every I say to them threw Facebook, they get it!
I also ALWAYS post pictures of our Mutual activities and the kids {both YM and YW} love it. I figure what a great way for their other friends to see them doing positive, uplifting, spiritual, activities {since Facebook does have lots of not so nice things on it!}.
Anyway- just a few insites. We should contiune this conversation in person some time.
Oh, one last thing - I was introduced to Facebook by Elders and Sisters I served with on my mission - I LOVE that it is an easy way to keep up with those friendships that are so important to me!! I am a fan.
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